hello new year

indeed. another one over. 2013. wow. I will spend this evening thinking on what the past year has been for me. wow. learning. growing. building strength. laughing. loving. traveling. crying. feeling.

~working hard at trying to find balance between work and yoga and friends
~coming off anti-anxiety medication and feeling the effects of crazy withdrawal, and then feeling things deeply in a way I haven't in years
~finding a new friend who was a gift to me, bringing ease and pleasure in a time of transition and struggle
~taking ski lessons with some girlfriends
~finding a niche in my yoga teaching that I love, that seemed to bring joy and ease to people's lives
~spending a week with a dear friend in Utah, and being reminded that joy and bliss and connection is all around, all the time. if we only get quiet enough to sense it
~paying off $40 000 in student loans, and having a party to celebrate!!!
~making the decision to leave a job that I was no longer happy in
~actually leaving that job
~camping and adventuring in beautiful Lake Placid
~spending 2 months in a yoga ashram, meditating, facing my demons, learning so much about so much
~spending 2 months living with my family of origin, feeling so much about so much
~getting to spend a whole lot of time with my beautiful niece, and falling absolutely in love with her
~coming back to my home in Ottawa, and feeling excited about this next chapter - whatever will it hold?!?!
~and at the end of this year, reconnecting with an old friend I haven't seen in 13 years. wow.

~~~being supported and encouraged and loved and held and known by such amazing, loving, wonderful, wise, kind, strong friends. oh my god, I am so grateful for my friends. I could name them all right now, but I fear I'd accidentally forget someone and hurt their feelings.  I hope you know who you are. the ones who said "go for it. take the risk. follow your heart. you are wise. you can do it." and all the ones who I have tea with, coffee with, wine with. all the laughing, the crying, the talking, the learning, the playing. you are all, each of you, so precious to me. Thank you.

This past year has been one of tremendous learning. Of learning to let go. Of learning to laugh:) Of learning to weep. Of learning to breathe. Of learning to notice. Of learning to be. Of learning to soften. Of learning to accept. Of learning to say yes, and learning to say no.

I am grateful. for the beautiful people in my life. friends. family (many of whom are friends). fellow adventurers and seekers. playmates. my teachers. my therapist. my career counsellor. you all make such a difference in my life. my heart swells with love for you.

huh. I guess at the end of 2013, I know that I am loved. and I love. what a delightful thing to know. I am so frickin blessed!!!!

so I wish you all a wonderful last evening of 2013. and hold in my heart a desire for an upcoming year of delights, of learning, of love, of beauty, for myself and for each of you, dear readers. yet another year of new adventurers and rememberings of how wonderful and magical this life really is. enjoy each moment. be true to yourselves. love yourselves, and watch that love pour out of yourselves to others.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. ~Max Ehrmann

 

 

thank you for reading and being with me this year!

pieces

hey all.
listening to Hawksley Workman (http://hawksleyworkman.com/2010/) - do you know him? he's an artist I appreciate. love many of his lyrics, his rawness, his poetry, his voice.
one of the lyrics stood out to me this morning:

 

be thankful that you're in pieces

 

oh my god, this resonates with me because I have felt in pieces for the past few weeks.
 

so, for those who followed my blog before, I spent 2 months at a beautiful ashram in Pennsylvania, called the Himalayan Institute, this fall. September and October were exhilerating, challenging, soul-stirring, heart-opening, wild and wacky months for me as I learned more about yoga and lived in a community that embraced and encouraged healing, health, contemplation, and self-realization.

 

And then I came home.

 

Or rather, I came to live with family for a couple months, until I could get back into my place (which I had subletted out for 4 months).

 

I am truly grateful for the generosity of my family, who have hosted me for the past 6 weeks. It has been so precious to spend time with my gorgeous 17-month old niece, to get to experience her growth and learning and giggles and joy and enthusiasm about living. I taught her to moo, received a million wide-open-mouth kisses and giant hugs, and those are memories I am so glad I will always have:) It's been so nice to spend time with my sister, to chat and visit and share stories and build our relationship. it's been important to spend time with my mom and dad.

 

but let me tell you, when you've spent 2 months having your heart opened, exploring vulnerability and softness, and then you go home to your family of origin, well, my friends, it can be a raw time. Add on to that the fact that this is a time of tremendous change and transition and uncertainty in my life, and it is messy. All my buttons pushed, all my issues roaring to the surface. the unlovely ways of relating, the self-protection, the old angers and hurts rising in me and in my family members.

 

I've shed more tears in hurt, fear, and anger in the last 6 weeks than I've done in a long time. Do you know, when I first came "home" from the Himalayan Institute, I was worried that the healing and processing and good juicy stuff that I'd experienced would stop when I came home? ohhhhh no. in fact, what I've found, is that I seem to have broken through the walls of self-protection and image and hardness I have built up for the past many years, and now the healing and processing and awareness won't stop:)

 

And I don't want it to stop.

 

Be thankful you're in pieces. I've felt in pieces for the last many weeks. and it's ok. because when I'm in pieces, I feel real. I feel broken, but I feel alive. not in a masochistic way. but rather, i see that old patterns and fears and things that have stopped me from living fully and passionately and truly as me are coming to the surface, being acknowledged and accepted, and then seem to let go. And I know, that when the season of brokenness is over, there is more strength, more clarity, more stability and more solidness than I've had before.

 

so if this being in pieces means there is greater wholeness, greater joy and love and freedom and awareness of ME in my life, then I'm on board:) and I'm grateful.

peace to you all. in your seasons of ease and joy, and your seasons of brokenness. they're all part of this crazy thing called life:) love to you.