pieces

hey all.
listening to Hawksley Workman (http://hawksleyworkman.com/2010/) - do you know him? he's an artist I appreciate. love many of his lyrics, his rawness, his poetry, his voice.
one of the lyrics stood out to me this morning:

 

be thankful that you're in pieces

 

oh my god, this resonates with me because I have felt in pieces for the past few weeks.
 

so, for those who followed my blog before, I spent 2 months at a beautiful ashram in Pennsylvania, called the Himalayan Institute, this fall. September and October were exhilerating, challenging, soul-stirring, heart-opening, wild and wacky months for me as I learned more about yoga and lived in a community that embraced and encouraged healing, health, contemplation, and self-realization.

 

And then I came home.

 

Or rather, I came to live with family for a couple months, until I could get back into my place (which I had subletted out for 4 months).

 

I am truly grateful for the generosity of my family, who have hosted me for the past 6 weeks. It has been so precious to spend time with my gorgeous 17-month old niece, to get to experience her growth and learning and giggles and joy and enthusiasm about living. I taught her to moo, received a million wide-open-mouth kisses and giant hugs, and those are memories I am so glad I will always have:) It's been so nice to spend time with my sister, to chat and visit and share stories and build our relationship. it's been important to spend time with my mom and dad.

 

but let me tell you, when you've spent 2 months having your heart opened, exploring vulnerability and softness, and then you go home to your family of origin, well, my friends, it can be a raw time. Add on to that the fact that this is a time of tremendous change and transition and uncertainty in my life, and it is messy. All my buttons pushed, all my issues roaring to the surface. the unlovely ways of relating, the self-protection, the old angers and hurts rising in me and in my family members.

 

I've shed more tears in hurt, fear, and anger in the last 6 weeks than I've done in a long time. Do you know, when I first came "home" from the Himalayan Institute, I was worried that the healing and processing and good juicy stuff that I'd experienced would stop when I came home? ohhhhh no. in fact, what I've found, is that I seem to have broken through the walls of self-protection and image and hardness I have built up for the past many years, and now the healing and processing and awareness won't stop:)

 

And I don't want it to stop.

 

Be thankful you're in pieces. I've felt in pieces for the last many weeks. and it's ok. because when I'm in pieces, I feel real. I feel broken, but I feel alive. not in a masochistic way. but rather, i see that old patterns and fears and things that have stopped me from living fully and passionately and truly as me are coming to the surface, being acknowledged and accepted, and then seem to let go. And I know, that when the season of brokenness is over, there is more strength, more clarity, more stability and more solidness than I've had before.

 

so if this being in pieces means there is greater wholeness, greater joy and love and freedom and awareness of ME in my life, then I'm on board:) and I'm grateful.

peace to you all. in your seasons of ease and joy, and your seasons of brokenness. they're all part of this crazy thing called life:) love to you.