On my head...

In my head I hear the words of teachers and books I've read, that it is best to stay unattached to performance - that in yoga it's the journey, not the destination, and that I am to accept my body exactly as it is, each moment. But I've had a little burning desire, to be able to do a handstand freely. It's been a big fear pose for me. For several years now, I've been terrified of this position. Over the years, I slowly worked my way into being able to do it up against a wall, but even then I would break out in a sweat, I would feel sick to my stomach, and when I came down I'd be shaky and hot in the head as I rested in Child's Pose. Whooo, it brought some stuff up for me! But I so wanted to be able to do it.

Some days, I'd have images of myself in a unsupported headstand, strong and happy. These were not images I brought to mind - they'd just pop into my head while I was in the grocery store or sitting on the bus. Maybe my subconscious practicing what I so desired to do? I hadn't thought about headstand in a few weeks. But last night, I had a dream. I had a dream I did a headstand against the wall, and then I did a headstand in the middle of the floor. And I was strong, and balanced, and solid in my pose.

This morning, during my personal practice, I warmed up into my shoulders, my back, my neck, my arms. And I thought, well, I dreamt about it, let's see what happens in my waking state. So, I positioned my arms carefully, rested my head between my hands, brought my hips to the sky, began to walk my feet in towards my head, and slowly brought one leg up to the sky. Then, with fear but excitement in my heart, I brought the other leg up to the sky. I got crazily nervous, and quickly brought my legs back down to the ground. Then I took a couple of breaths, slowly walked my feet back up toward my head, and with a strength I didn't know I had, was able to bring both legs up into a headstand!!! And I could stay up there, balanced, strong, quiet in my mind!! Whooo!!! I started smiling and laughing. I did it!

I think it is just lovely, to be able to see that in the last year, as I've become more regular in my practice, my body and mind have become stronger, more balanced, and less fearful. I didn't necessarily see it happening along the way, but today, I felt the results of the work I've been doing. And apparently, my higher Self was helping me, visualizing and dreaming about what I would be able to do. I rejoice in this little accomplishment. That may not be very yogic, and may be about achieving, but wow, I loved it!