Friday, 8 May 2015

not knowing

Someone just posted this quote on FaceBook:

"I need to learn how to be content with simply not knowing and be at peace with the notion that everything does not need an explanation"

Hey, this one hits home for me. "But why? Why is it like that? Why do I react like that? Why is he like that?" My go-to way of operating, partly due to Western ways of thinking, partly due to what was modeled for me, and partly to ease my own discomfort, is to question. To dig, to analyze - the rationale being that in understanding and seeking explanations, it might make things better, more palatable;  it might take away pain or confusion or uncertainty about a situation.

If someone treats you poorly, you dig into their past to come up with a reason for why they are such a dick. If you experience pain about something, you analyze it to figure out the deep why. If there is uncertainty, you do everything you can to figure out the what/why/how to settle that feeling of unknowing.

Because unknowing is uncomfortable. Because facing the blunt reality of this life can be difficult. Because we do anything to escape from or ease pain. It's normal, and likely a survival mechanism.

But what if I could learn to be content with simply not knowing? What if I stop seeking an explanation for everything?

Right now I'm aware that I have a desire to be in a loving intimate relationship with a partner. It's not happening for me right now. And I'll tell you, I sometimes experience a lot of sadness and occasional pain about that. [I don't think I'm seeking comforting; I don't think I'm reaching out for anything with this confession, I just want to share my experience of being human, one that I imagine many can relate to]. And I have spent a LOT of time analyzing why. Therapy. Chats with friends. Journaling. Digging, seeking an explanation.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I giving off some horrid energy that keeps me single? Do I not actually want a relationship, though I think and feel that I do, and that's why I'm single? Am I hideous and unlovable? Is there more work I need to do on myself before it'll happen? Do I need to fix me? Do I have unrealistic expectations? Do I have deep horrid unresolved issues about my parents' relationship that I need to address? What is wrong with me? Why? And what can I do to fix whatever is wrong?

These are the thoughts that go round and round in my mind. I don't know if any of you out there relate - I imagine many single people who want a relationship have similar thoughts. Maybe. And sometimes there are things we need to address and look at. But I can say with honesty that I've done a lot of work, looked at issues, embraced healing, am pretty aware of past habits and patterns and beliefs. And still, I'm here.

For whatever reason, this is the life I get to live, and right now, up to now, it doesn't include another person as a life partner.

It does make me feel sad at times. I don't understand it. My friends and family tell me they don't understand it. But, maybe, "I need to learn how to be content with simply not knowing and be at peace with the notion that everything does not need an explanation".

I don't know why I'm single. And maybe I can learn to accept, to sit with the feelings, to make friends with how life is right now, in each moment, and not have to dig so deeply for an explanation.

Some things just are the way they are. Accept. Breathe. Cry, rage, laugh, mope, play, sing, notice, be. What the fuck else can you do?

[As an aside, I'm definitely not saying it's all bad to be single. There are many fabulous, fun things about being single, as there are many fabulous, fun things about being in a relationship. There are also many challenging and difficult things about both lifestyles. That's not the topic of this blog. I'll save that for another day:)]

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