first days

hello! Namaste, in the true Sanskrit yogic greeting! I have now been here a few short days, at my new home at the Himalayan Institute in Honesdale, Pennsylvania. I arrived here Thursday around 5:00, and it's now Sunday afternoon. I'm sitting on a big comfy couch in the middle of a fabulous library full of books about history, philosophy, world religions, health, meditation... heaven on earth for this booky:)

Let me tell you about this place. It was built in 1955, as a Catholic seminary. Priests and nuns lived here (supposedly in separate buildings...) until the 70's. It was then purchased by Swami Rama, the Indian founder of the Himalayan Institute. He'd come from India and founded this yoga and  meditation centre in Chicago first, and then discovered this amazing place, with its 400 acres of rolling hills, fields and forest, and moved it all here. The centre itself is in a little valley, but is surrounded on all sides by the mountains, big green rolling mountains.

I live in a little room on my own. It has a bed, desk, dresser, closet and sink: showers and toilets are down the hall. I live in a hallway with women who are residents here - some have been here for a couple years, some closer to 10, and some little ladies who've lived here since the 70's. There is a men's wing too... haven't seen much sneaking from one wing to the other yet... but I'm keeping my eyes open! The dorm hallways are whisper-zones, to promote and protect a meditative atmosphere. Silence is observed throughout the institute every day from 10:00pm-8:00am, and Monday dinner times. There are about 100 people who live here full-time - residents who keep the place running, from running the little café, to running the reception area, to cleaning, cooking, and keeping the grounds beautiful. Some live in the main building, and some live in houses around the property. There is a beautiful garden and orchard that much of the food comes from. There is a full health centre, with a pharmacist, doctor, massage therapist, yoga therapist, chiropractor and nurse.  A fully-functioning community for sure. There's a fabulous shop to buy books, yoga clothes, yoga props, chocolate bars and cookies:)

Holy moly, let me tell you about the food. We eat like crazy here. It is all vegetarian, but unbelievably delicious - apparently most people gain weight when they come here. I believe it. Divine salads, bean dishes, pastas... this morning's breakfast was oatmeal pudding - oatmeal with bananas, cooked apples, cinnamon, raisins, and maple syrup, with honey whipped cream (think cool whip consistency) on top. there's homemade bread at every meal, gluten-free options at every meal, lots of fresh fruit and veggies... I will not be wasting away during this time!

I've had it easy so far - on the weekends, there are seminars that we are free to attend, so this weekend I did a yoga class every morning, then sat in on lectures on the dynamics of meditation, taught by this amazing teacher, Rolf Sovik. Ate, went for walks in the sunshine, took naps, visited with the people who are here for a month like I am. There was a lot of down time. Which was a little uncomfortable at first - it's been a while since I had a whole lotta time on my hands to do nothing, with no one to call, nothing particular to do, no agendas or schedules. I found myself scheduling my day. It's a hard habit to break! But I am slowly feeling myself unwind, and enjoying the times now between scheduled things, to lay down, read, take a stroll.

Beginning tomorrow, life gets a little more scheduled, Monday - Friday. We have karma yoga (cleaning, meal prep, hopefully some work outside while it's still gorgeous), yoga classes, meditation, and a class each day with our group, learning from the teachers here about diet, nutrition, meditation, Ayurveda, asana, health, and various other topics I am totally geeked out to learn more about!!

So that is a little glimpse into life here so far. So far, I am digging it.  It helps that it's been sunny and glorious since I got here! Though it seems there will be lots to do, life moves at a very slow pace here. It is really great to be able to have time to eat slowly, take a rest after each meal, listen to what the body wants and needs, and have the time to give it what it needs. I am realizing what a toll stress takes on the body, and only when I slow down, do I realize that my body does not work optimally under stress and busyness and fast-paced living. I notice a dramatic difference, in only a few short days. Also, living in beautiful surroundings, being able to wander through so much nature, makes me feel so very happy and peaceful. Ah. so far, so good:)

I think I'll stop for now, because there are a million things I could write about already, learning, thoughts, experiences. I'll save those for another post:)

Be well, peace to you all! xoxoA

Now.

I was going to entitle this "The Beginning", but in reality, the beginning was a long time ago. So many things, people, experiences, have played a role in bringing me to where I am right now. So, "NOW".

A few weeks ago I quit my job. I worked hard at that job for many years, with the idea that once I paid off my extensive student loans, I would make space in my life to figure out what I loved, what I wanted to do, and what I wanted to pursue, without the "must pay off my loans" burden hanging over me. So I achieved that goal. And I quit.

I'm not going to lie to you, it was terrifying. On a practical level, I got used to having a bi-weekly paycheque that I could depend on. And taking this little journey means there is no predicable income, at least not for the next few months. I've been wise, I'm taken care of, but there is fear, for sure! On an emotional level, the institution I worked at was my "place" for 6 years. There were very good times, and very challenging times. There are amazing friends I've made there, and some people who, again, were challenging for me. But for better or worse, it was my day-to-day place, my people, my routine, my community. And leaving it felt like leaving a slightly dysfunctional relationship - though it might not have always been great for me, it was my life for 6 years. And frig, it's hard to walk away from anything you've been involved in and invested in for 6 years!!

I had some decisions to make - what to do with my time now that I don't have that job. I spent a lot of time thinking, discussing, journaling, meditating, listening. And in the end I decided to forego  my Master's in Counselling, to do what my heart was saying loudly and clearly: I want to immerse myself in yoga for a while. I battled my mind for a long time, flipping back and forth between what seemed the rational, "intelligent" choice, and what seemed the kooky, heart's desire choice. But you know what, I've always, in my heart of hearts, embraced the "Follow Your Bliss" philosophy, and this is my time to actually act on that. Master's programs will always be there, if I decide I want that path after this. But for now, I'm following my heart. I'm going to go be a yoga hippy for a while:) and that makes me so so deeply happy.

The last 6 weeks since my last day at work have been up and down. Times of great anxiety and stress and fear and worry. Times of great excitement, joy, and feelings of certainty. Tons of journaling, occasionally forays to my therapist, long walks in nature, longer talks and visits with dear friends, processing and thinking and feeling. A good dose of weeping, and a greater dose of laughing and smiling. I subletted my place for the next 4 months, to a (hopefully!) great guy who will take (hopefully!) great care of my two furry friends. I'm currently having a layover at my parents, where I'm enjoying a few days of visits with my family, including lots of cuddle time with my beautiful baby niece (also a Ginger!).

And then. Thursday, I drive down to Pennsylvania, to the Himalayan Institute (http://www.himalayaninstitute.org/). I'm going to be there for a month or two, I think, where I'll do a whole lotta learning - asana practice, meditation, pranayama, some cleaning and cooking and gardening. I'm hoping for some long forest walks  - the Institute is on 400 acres of forest land - nature is a great healer! I feel nervous - I can't really know what it will be like until I live it - and anticipation is sometimes a scary thing! I'm curious what it will be like to live with a bunch of yogis in a community, when I've lived a pretty private, independent life for so long. I'm curious what our days will be like. I'm curious if I'll be able to make the space to rest. I'm curious how I'll react, after having lived in a city for many years and worked in an office environment. I'm excited to live in a community where the focus is health, wellness and healing. Physical and mental health and wellness are core values to me - I want to learn more and more about these things, I want to further embrace a lifestyle of health and wholeness, and perhaps I'd like to be further involved in healing and wellness for others eventually. I'm really looking forward to being in a place where these very things are valued deeply.

I've consciously made space in my life to explore what I value and desire. Peace, joy, wellness, stillness, life. Love. I am so grateful for all the people and experiences that have brought me to this place. I am grateful to the many friends and family members who have supported me. I am so very grateful for my yoga community - my teachers, Roxanne Joly and Loren Crawford, and the dear friends (I'll call them sisters!)  I've studied and learned and taught with. I am grateful for strength, for hope, for faith, for love. For the many teachers and gurus who've come before, to write the books and share the wisdom they've received.

As I was driving away from Ottawa, after a weepy departure from my cats and my home and my friends and my city, I found myself driving toward the most beautiful sky and felt such hope and comfort and joy. Heading into the light:) here we go!

to connect

I just read a blog (single dad laughing) entry called the disease of perfection. The entry was beautiful, and inspiring, and encouraging. But I was most struck by the comments and entries after the blog. People shared their truths. Shared their stories and struggles and fears in a very real way. There was a lot of sadness and fear expressed. And there were responses of love and acceptance and validation. And it broke my heart a little. Because there are so many people hurting in such very real ways, writing to strangers. And perhaps many people only feel that they can reveal the hurt in online forums. And you know, in a way, it is so wonderful that there is a place for people to reach out, to express, and to receive virtual validation. And I have to say, as a believer in energy and shared consciousness, or  whatever you choose to call it,  we can feel love and encouragement from people, even strangers, from a distance. I suppose the internet allows that to be expressed in an immediate way. And if those words of encouragement and support bring strength and a feeling of being supported to those who are struggling, it is a lovely thing.
 
But it does make me pause and think of the issue of being disconnected from our own communities and families in such a way that people feel they have to reach out for compassion and support from strangers on the internet. Why is that? Is it that sometimes we are struggling with things (mental illness, guilt over certain issues or situations, etc) that sometimes those in our immediate circles simply can't relate to, and we can find others in the same situation who can deeply empathize and understand, by tapping into online communities? In that case, that is a gift.
 
But is it also that we have become so disconnected from our families, our communities, even our friends, that we don't know who else to talk to? There is anonymity online - I can sit behind my computer and type and weep and say all kinds of things, because there is no one right in front of me to feel embarrassed and vulnerable in front of. OOOH, but what if we could learn that it is ok to be vulnerable and awkward and weepy in front of those we are close to? Wouldn't that be amazing?
 
I'm going to digress slightly here, and talk about Facebook, but I will come round full-circle, I promise. Facebook is such a fun social media outlet for sharing photos, sharing stories, connecting with friends and family who aren't close by. But I have to say, Facebook fucks me up a little. Or brings to light my fucked-up-ness. For me, there is a strange desperation to share. to show people out there that I am living a fun, vibrant, adventurous life. Because of course, we don't post when we're having lazy, stay-at-home days, doing laundry, sitting in front of the TV, doing the simple and often boring acts of living. Even though that's how most of us spend most of our time. That's life! But still, the urgency to prove is really strong for me. I see what others are doing, and a terribly dark sense of jealousy and inadequacy flares up. oooh, it is ugly. But I can see it and accept it. I notice now when it flares up. and when my need to share and prove my fabulousness flares up. I think the desire for connection is perhaps one of the roots of it all. Maybe I need to spend a little more time connecting with myself, and connecting with those who are near and dear.
 
And really, what is this blogging thing, but a desire to connect, a desire to put thoughts and ideas out there, to somehow connect? A journal entry that others can see. A rambling philosophical monologue with no one in front of me to argue with or interrupt me. Thoughts and ideas and passions put out there, without an editor, publisher, etc. 
 
Is this just a different way of connecting? I can have fun and serious conversations with friends of mine spread across the globe. I can have a sense of connecting with my amazing traveling, journeying, adventuring friends, even if we don't see each other for a year or two. And it is connection. It's not the same as daily visits, daily interactions, daily tea or coffee visits. There is no touch. There are no hugs. That part saddens me. There isn't the spontaneity and silliness and in-the-moment foolishness and shocking rawness that exists when you're face to face, and that builds intimacy in close relationships. But there are opportunities to connect, to learn, to laugh, to play, to flirt, to inspire, over a keyboard. And, returning to the beginning of the post, perhaps, I can be more vulnerable and share things more freely, with technology separating me from the immediate worry of rejection when I share my true self.
 
And yet. I do desire relationships, face-to-face, where the true self can be shared. The silly, funny, sad, ugly, awkward, hurting, rejoicing, laughing, crying, raging, solid, weak self in all it's glory, with others in close proximity.  

Well, anyway, I am glad that people are able to share their hearts and hurts in a way that is accessible for them, and that others freely respond with love and compassion and words of encouragement and life. That speaks to the loveliness of humanity.

And I'll still enjoy my connections however they happen. Who am I to question the hows and whys and beauty of human connection?

but maybe I'll call my mom and dad more often.
enjoy your connections

lovely things

Oh my goodness, I`ve been away a long time! That`s another story for another day... But for today, this lovely June day, I simply want to share a beautiful link that may restore your faith in humanity, if you ever feel it wavering... Enjoy!

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/pictures-that-will-restore-your-faith-in-humanity

Time away

ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, my dear readers, I am taking a break :)

taking a little trip to the beach, and a little down time in my home, so I'm taking a holiday from technology.

Enjoy your days, be loving and kind to yourselves, keep moving and breathing and seeking out quiet moments to hear that beautiful wise inner voice.

See you in a couple of weeks!

Shanti.

all you need is love...

it's true.
but I'm not talking about mushy romantic "you complete me" love.
not at all.

I'm talking about love that rests in your heart, that flows from the Divine, that vibrates deep inside you when you sit quietly in meditation, or see a rushing river or a precious baby or your dearest best friend, or hear a piece of music that makes you weep.

I'm talking about deep love for yourself. Not cockiness or arrogance, but a deep, respecting, honouring love for who you are. Perfectly you.

I'm talking about love that swells in your heart, without any effort, when you know that you are in the right place, the right moment, that everything is coming together exactly right, right now and you know that your life is perfect.

I'm talking about the love that pulses in your heart when you slow down enough to realize all the amazing things in your life and you are overwhelmed with gratitude and you know that you are so so blessed.

I'm talking about the love that quietly sneaks up on you, when you hang out with a friend for long enough, and you share quiet moments and kindnesses, and you realize that there is love there.

I'm talking about the love that binds all living beings. Love for people you'll never meet, across the world, when your heart feels broken that they are living such lives of struggles. Love for animals that are losing their habitats due to human greed and insensitivity (polar bears and gorillas make my heart swell, personally). Love for your parents and siblings and aunts and uncles and cousins and friends and lovers and cats and dogs, that swells up, every so often, unbidden.

An understanding that we are all connected. That a beautiful spirit flows through each of us, connecting us with each other. A knowing that our lives are not really that different from each other - that we all experience joy and sorrow, happy times and deep struggles, light bright times and dark scary times.

Oh, if we could think on this. And remember that life is really hard for all of us at times. And all we really need to do is be kind to each other.

Let your love flow. Take time to be quiet and fill up from the beautiful Source of Love, open your heart and allow it to be filled by all things beautiful, and let the love flow. Cause THIS is the love that lasts, that fills, that satisfies.

Namaste, beautiful ones, love to you all!

contentment

I have to confess, I'm struggling with this one this week.

Santosha, contentment, is one of the precepts of yoga. Pantanjali, the man who compiled the Yoga Sutras, defined santosha as "satisfaction; satisfied with what one has; contentment". Nischala Joy Devi, author of The Secret Power of Yoga, paraphrases Pantanjali's description in the following way:

"when at peace and content with oneself and others (santosha), supreme joy is celebrated"

She goes on to say that if we have faith, we will find

"the peace that abides in our hearts, no matter what the fates bring...With this attitude, all things that come and go do not have the opportunity to override our joy. Instead, they metamorphose into stillness and peace."

Well, I'm struggling with that this week. For me, it's not a sense of wanting material things, being discontent without those material things. It's a sense of being discontent, peace-less, when things are uncertain. I've written about this before. This week, there is a certain uncertainty in my job, I have a busy schedule and am therefore not taking enough time to rest and fill-up, I am physically tired cause my sleep has been interrupted regularly by bad dreams and tossing and turning, and I am finding it difficult to hang on to that santosha. Instead, I observe my thoughts of escape, running away, telling myself the stories I do, where I'm going to move away from this town, leave my job, go find greener pastures, etc. I am an escape artist, in my mind, at least :) that's my way of coping.

But what I'd like to find, is that way to embrace and live santosha - to be able to keep that peace and stillness and joy, regardless of the circumstances, the uncertainty.

One way is to hang on to that faith, that all of this is temporary and will pass, that there is a wonderful purpose and path to my life, that everything is perfect, as it is. This is not easy for me this week - my negative, unhappy, dark thoughts are crowding out that faith talk. But at least I recognize it :)

One way is to build my life more carefully, so I can get the rest, the quiet time, the space to cook and eat healthily, so that the uncertainty doesn't rock me the way it does when I'm exhausted and a little physically unbalanced.

My practice helps with this. Somehow, I am still getting up each morning and doing my practice, which I feel may be the only thing that is carrying me through this, when all I want to do is run (or crawl into my bed and stay there for a few days). I am able to find moments of stillness and joy, even amidst the spins and discontent. I will notice those, I will celebrate even those tiny moments, and trust that more will come.

Nischala Joy Devi writes:

"For most of us, the subtler aspects of santosha elude us from time to time. Everlasting joy cleaves to us through cultivating the understanding that we hold the power to our happiness. Even if temporarily lost, our joy will soon return, as it is the lifelong reward for attaining wisdom."

I will trust. I will breathe. I will have faith, that that joy will soon return :)
Namaste.