contentment

I have to confess, I'm struggling with this one this week.

Santosha, contentment, is one of the precepts of yoga. Pantanjali, the man who compiled the Yoga Sutras, defined santosha as "satisfaction; satisfied with what one has; contentment". Nischala Joy Devi, author of The Secret Power of Yoga, paraphrases Pantanjali's description in the following way:

"when at peace and content with oneself and others (santosha), supreme joy is celebrated"

She goes on to say that if we have faith, we will find

"the peace that abides in our hearts, no matter what the fates bring...With this attitude, all things that come and go do not have the opportunity to override our joy. Instead, they metamorphose into stillness and peace."

Well, I'm struggling with that this week. For me, it's not a sense of wanting material things, being discontent without those material things. It's a sense of being discontent, peace-less, when things are uncertain. I've written about this before. This week, there is a certain uncertainty in my job, I have a busy schedule and am therefore not taking enough time to rest and fill-up, I am physically tired cause my sleep has been interrupted regularly by bad dreams and tossing and turning, and I am finding it difficult to hang on to that santosha. Instead, I observe my thoughts of escape, running away, telling myself the stories I do, where I'm going to move away from this town, leave my job, go find greener pastures, etc. I am an escape artist, in my mind, at least :) that's my way of coping.

But what I'd like to find, is that way to embrace and live santosha - to be able to keep that peace and stillness and joy, regardless of the circumstances, the uncertainty.

One way is to hang on to that faith, that all of this is temporary and will pass, that there is a wonderful purpose and path to my life, that everything is perfect, as it is. This is not easy for me this week - my negative, unhappy, dark thoughts are crowding out that faith talk. But at least I recognize it :)

One way is to build my life more carefully, so I can get the rest, the quiet time, the space to cook and eat healthily, so that the uncertainty doesn't rock me the way it does when I'm exhausted and a little physically unbalanced.

My practice helps with this. Somehow, I am still getting up each morning and doing my practice, which I feel may be the only thing that is carrying me through this, when all I want to do is run (or crawl into my bed and stay there for a few days). I am able to find moments of stillness and joy, even amidst the spins and discontent. I will notice those, I will celebrate even those tiny moments, and trust that more will come.

Nischala Joy Devi writes:

"For most of us, the subtler aspects of santosha elude us from time to time. Everlasting joy cleaves to us through cultivating the understanding that we hold the power to our happiness. Even if temporarily lost, our joy will soon return, as it is the lifelong reward for attaining wisdom."

I will trust. I will breathe. I will have faith, that that joy will soon return :)
Namaste.

2012 - a year for softness

I went away this year for New Year's. I decided to get away from the urban experience of New Year's - the busyness, the parties, the expectations and let-downs I always experience at this time of year. I traveled down to the Himalayan Institute (http://www.himalayaninstitute.org/) for a weekend of yoga, meditation, learning, and rest. I wandered in the forests that surround the Institute, ate fabulous organic vegetarian food, did gentle yoga practices and heard wonderful teachings that reminded me of the teacher and healer inside me. It was the most wonderful way to spend a New Year's, and a perfect way to welcome 2012. I returned feeling nurtured, rested, inspired, whole.

One thing that stood out to me, and has stayed with me, was something one of the teachers, Rolf Sovik said. He said (and I paraphrase terribly, because he is a wonderful, wise, articulate teacher) that the way we hold our body determines our health. When we hold ourselves tightly in our body, we can develop poor health, disease, pain. Dis-ease. I began thinking of where I hold myself. Where I grasp. I immediately thought of my belly. Since the age of 12, I've been aware that my belly sticks out, and, taking my cue from the flat bellies of Hollywood and fashion magazines, I began holding it all in. I also experience anxiety quite often in my life, and I can tell when my anxiety is ramping up, when I feel the tightness in my belly. Deep inside. A grasping and holding of everything in there, in an attempt to hold it all together and keep myself from falling apart. I think it is much more than a coincidence that I have suffered with Irritable Bowel Syndrome since I was a teenager, and have all kinds of strange things happening in my reproductive organs. And when I hear the health complaints of women around me, young and old, they often are in the belly region. OF COURSE!! Cause we're grasping, holding on, keeping ourselves tight and held in! And when we hold onto something, in the physical body, there is tension, and an inability to release and let go of toxins. Physical, and emotional toxins.

There are various places in my body I hold tension - my jaw, neck, shoulders. I'm sure you can scan your body right now, and identify where you hold, where you grasp. And the grasping comes from places of stress, anxiety, the desire to hold ourselves together. To keep on keeping on.

I also hold on, tightly, in my mind. In the revelations that have come since my little yoga retreat, I realize I've become quite a control freak in the past few years - I hold on to my schedules, to my rules, to my need to impress and be affirmed, I hold on to the thoughts and feelings I have, playing them over and over again in my mind. I grasp onto worrying. Oh, I worry and worry and worry like I think it's going to help me solve anything. And to be honest, my mind is pretty tired these days! With all the holding and grasping, it's exhausted. It needs a rest. I can't imagine the dis-ease that is going on in my mind. Or, rather, I can. It's symptoms are confusion, forgetfulness, anxiety, depression, a desire to escape, unkind self-talk.

So, after my time away and a wonderful reminder that grasping is bad for my health, physically and mentally, I'm setting an intention for 2012, to be soft. To rest in softness. To notice when I'm holding my belly, and soften into deep, soothing breath. To notice when I'm holding onto a thought pattern that brings me sorrow or frustration, and to let it go. To choose to say no to things, events, people, if there is tension and grasping attached. To choose to NOT plan and scheme and schedule, but to soften into whatever happens throughout my day.

And I have to happily report, in the first 10 days of the new year, as I have responded to things with softness, amazing things have happened already, things being taken care of that I would normally have worried and stewed about, and analyzed to death. As I soften, let go, un-grasp, things unfold beautifully, perfectly, healthily. [and, incidentally, non-grasping is one of the yoga principles - aparigraha - non-grasping! to read more about this, please see this great article: http://www.healthy.net/Health/Article/The_Ten_Living_Principles_Yamas_and_Niyamas/2410/2]

To 2012, to softness!!!

Just sitting with it...

Yesterday, I wrote about disappointment. I felt a little lost, unsure, sad. I know these are common human emotions, common human experiences. I used to run from my emotions, as fast and furious as I could. When feeling sad or grieving, I would turn on the TV, eat some junk food, grab a bottle of wine, and drink it all, do anything I could to escape the feeling. And it worked, sort of, in the moment... but the thing that was causing me pain didn't go away. It just got pushed down and repressed, and often came back up in ugly, unpredictable ways when I wasn't ready to deal with it.

In the past few years, through my path with yoga, and just my own personal journey, I have learned the importance of sitting with pain and sadness. And just letting it be. Allowing the waves of sadness and pain to come to the surface, observing, holding that space so my grief can come up. And in sitting, instead of running away, the pain eventually lessens. It just does. Because I have honoured it, I have sat with it, I have loved myself through it. And then it doesn't have a hold on my anymore.

To let you in on my story right now, I just went through a break-up of a new relationship. No details are needed, it's a common story, you know how it goes, and the sadness that brings up. I do feel real sadness about not having this particular person in my life anymore. But as I sat with my pain, as I let the tears run, as I listened to my thoughts and deep heart cries, I realized that the deep pain is about so much more - my issues, my deep fears, about being alone, about not having someone to take care of me, about having to "do it on my own" again. And though that was scary to face, as those deep fears and blocks came up, I felt such clarity, such stillness, as I faced the truth. As I saw my inner fears. And as I began to see how those fears have affected the way I've lived my life, the choices I've made, the patterns I keep living out, again and again. And amidst my tears and sadness, there was joy. Hope. Understanding. Compassion. Even though this relationship didn't turn out the way I hoped it would, it was such a wonderful, necessary part of my journey, toward becoming Fully Me. I sat with my sadness. I loved myself enough to sit, and not run from the pain. And wonderful knowledge and truth came up.

There is a wonderful article, written by Thich Nhat Hanh, at http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=1756&Itemid=0&limit=1&limitstart=0, which talks about this, if you'd like to read more. His article speaks particularly about anger, but I feel it's really applicable to any emotion. He discusses how meditation (sitting, being with something, observing) allows us to recognize our emotion, be aware of it's presence, accept it, and allow it to be there. He talks about the importance of embracing our emotions and showing tenderness to them.

"Once we have recognized our anger [sadness, grief, etc], we embrace it. This is the second function of mindfulness and it is a very pleasant practice. Instead of fighting, we are taking good care of our emotion. If you know how to embrace your anger [sadness, grief, etc], something will change."

 Oh, I also want to give a shout out to my most wonderful, supportive, loving family and friends. It is so important to sit with your emotions and process them. But it is also so important to reach out, and be held by others. I am forever grateful to the amazing people who are in my life, who support me, listen to me, shower me with love and affection, and hold me up in these hard times too.

So, dear friends out there, it's all ok. It's all part of the journey. The beautiful, heart-breaking, scary, wonderful journey. Sit with it. Love yourself deeply. We are all wonderful, amazing people.

The gift of teaching

Last night, I taught a class at http://www.lenordik.com/, this lovely Scandinavian spa outside Ottawa, on the Quebec side. I teach there each Monday evening. It is such a treat to teach there, because of the beauty of the place. Nestled in the Gatineau Hills, it is a perfect place to unwind, with pools and waterfalls and fireplaces and steam rooms sprawled among the hills and trees. I feel so so lucky to be able to teach here. People come with the sole intention to relax and unwind, so it is delightful to be able to teach people who are there to find a bit of quiet and calm.

I had a very full class last night, 21 people. It was such an interesting mix of people. There were a few actors and dancers from a local summer theatre group. There were three chi-gong instructors in my class, one of whom is traveling around the world with her teachings. There were a couple of ladies who didn't bring any yoga clothes and hid out in the back of the room in their bathing suits, but were wonderfully committed to doing a class. I was really aware, and really thrilled, with the variety and mix of people in our class. I noticed a great joy in the class, right from the beginning. I believe each student brings their own energy into each class, and the energy last night was joyful.

We did a lovely class together, and students came into the apex pose of pigeon, initially sitting up in the backbend of pigeon, and then allowing their bodies to release forward into lying pigeon.

As I looked around at my students, I saw such releasing in their bodies. I heard some gentle sighs, saw muscles relax in backs and legs, and felt a release in the energy in the class. It is a challenging pose, and it can bring up a lot of thoughts and issues and such, because of the work that is done in the back of the hamstrings and glutes. But as I encouraged them to breathe through the sensations that were arising, there was a real sense of release. After a few gentle counterposes to this, students came onto their back, into apanasa, and eventually into savasana. I simply reminded them about releasing, letting themselves sink into their mat, and allowing their breath and mind to soften. And the most beautiful thing happened. They did! I could see it, across the room. People were letting go. Softening. Coming to that still, quiet place. People often wonder, what does the teacher do, while students are lying still? Well, I don't know about other teachers, but I observe my students. I observe their breath. I notice how soft their breath becomes, as they let go. I do watch, in case someone gets anxious or uncomfortable as they lie there. Yesterday, as I was observing my students lie there, I had such a sense that they were lying there like children, fully free, fully relaxed, not a care in their minds. I don't know if that's true, but that is what was radiating up from the group. An ease, an effortlessness, a quiet calm. A total innocence. It was so beautiful, and again, I was reminded what a gift it is to be a teacher. To have students place their trust in me, to lie there so simply, to make themselves vulnerable. I am so grateful. To be able to observe such softness, such innocence and peace. It brought tears to my eyes.

After savasana, students came to sitting, and we chanted Ohm three times, to close our class. The ohms were so beautiful. While, in our opening chants at the beginning of the class, there were voices and pitches all over, the closing ohms were different. They were so rich and resonant and all in the same pitch. The vibration was very powerful and very unified. For me, this is how I sense my students have been able to go to a lovely place in the class, when all our vibrations begin to match. It's such a beautiful thing.

So, again, I am grateful. For the gift of teaching. For the blessing of sharing the beautiful teachings of yoga. I am delighted. I am blessed. Thank you to each and every one of you who has ever been a student. You give back so much more than you know! Namaste.

Do nothing?

Do less and achieve more. Do nothing and achieve everything.

Whoa. What does this crazy quote mean? How is this possible? Isn't this contrary to everything our society embraces? My active, spinning, busy mind rebels against this thought. My need to be in control rises up against this thought - but no, I need to do, I need to act, I need to take charge, I need to do something! I can't sit, and rest, and do nothing. Then nothing would get done!! I alone am responsible for making everything happen and everything work. (sarcastic, yes, but I think I really think this is true!! how kooky!!) I can't do nothing!! And how in the world could I achieve everything, by doing nothing?

Let's look at how this relates to asana, or the physical postures. Sometimes, we go into postures with a lot of effort. We're holding a pose, and we feel tension build in our body, and we begin to feel pain, but we're going to hold it anyway, because we are used to "acting", to doing. But the truth is, if we're in a pose and unable to find sthira and sukham (steadiness and comfort or ease), our bodies remain tense, and we can't fully experience the benefits of the pose. If we can back out of a pose, find that ease, and just breathe, we will actually go deeper into the pose and our mind will become quieter and more still. The less we do, it seems, the more we "achieve". After a physical practice, we lie in stillness in savasana (corpse pose). In this place of stillness, of doing nothing, our bodies, on a subtle, deep level, integrate the physical work that was done before. Our breath quiets, our mind comes to stillness and quietness, and perhaps, we drop into a deeper, altered state of consciousness, where only light and clarity and beauty exist. In this act of doing nothing, we achieve everything. Everything that is truly important. A connection with our true, higher Self.

The truth is, this is the opposite of what our society embraces. Our society values busyness, values doing and acting and moving, in order to achieve. Think of the people who have the title of "successful" in our society. Usually, they are A-type personlities, involved in a multitude of projects, high-paced, their days are planned out minute-to-minute, and even their holiday time (if they take holiday time!) is tightly structured. They are busy, doing much. And perhaps they feel they are achieving a lot. Certainly, career-wise and materially they may be! But with such busyness, and doing, I wonder if they come to a place of stillness and quietness, ever. If they ever get to stop, breathe, and appreciate what is in them, and around them. Maybe they do, and if so, I applaud them! But the people I've chatted with, who live such active, doing lives, never seem satisfied. There is always one more thing to be involved in, one more thing they should be doing. 

What do I know? These are just my observations. But take a moment to think about it, if you will. 

I know, certainly, when it comes to life things, such as relationships, and job searches, and friendships, there are things I need to do. I need to invest time. I need to send out resumes. I need to show the people I love, that I love them. But I'm sure I can simplify. And I KNOW I can allow my mind to rest more. I've written about this before - my mind spins and worries and tries to figure things out. And tries to act in desperate ways, to make things happen. But, when I let go, when I release, when I can breathe and trust, I seem to "achieve" more. When I can let go of all effort, when I can stop worrying and spinning and scheming, life evolves, naturally and beautifully and effortlessly. Probably in the way it would have turned out, with or without my worrying. Except I feel peace. And calm. And clear. And quiet. And connected. To Myself and the beautiful Universe and everyone around me.

And perhaps, right there, in doing nothing, I have achieved everything. Hmm.

Money Magic

I am feeling so very blessed and so very fortunate. I feel like I am starting to understand, maybe, how things can flow in our lives.

I have a car. I am grateful to have a car, because sometimes I need to get places, faster and further than my bike can take me. But, my sweet little Civic is aging... and cars can't do yoga to keep their parts healthy. So it's beginning it's decline, I feel. I need my brakes worked on, for a little fee of $700. Oh, there are other things that should be done soon, but this is an immediate concern. Brakes, yes, I need to be able to stop effectively and efficiently. My old patterns of worrying about money come up pretty quickly in these situations. Where am I going to find the money? How am I going to pay for this? Yikes, the panic starts.

And then. I stop. And I breathe. And I remember what I know to be true. That money is simply something that flows. It comes and it goes. So many times in my past, when I've needed money and put that need out to the Universe, the money has flowed in. SO many times. And each time I am amazed and so thankful.

So when I became aware of my panicky thoughts, I stopped, and I took some deep abdominal breaths (cause that stops the anxiety for me!), and I simply let that thought out - Beautiful Lovely, I need some money to pay for this. Please bring whatever into my life, to allow me to pay for my car. If that's more work, bring it on. If that's a gift, bring it on. I won't worry about the how - I trust that money is coming. Then I went to sleep.

Yesterday morning, I checked my bank account on-line. And there was an extra $200, just deposited by the Government for my overpayment of my taxes!! I had no idea that was coming, totally unexpected! Wow!!!

Then yesterday at noon I taught a yoga class, to my fabulous colleagues at UOttawa. It was a beautiful, hot sunny day, and more people came out than have ever come before. And they paid, and my cup was overflowing!

I am grateful. I feel a little weepy as I sit writing this. Because I know I'm ok. I know I always have been ok, I know I always will be ok. Things pop up in life that we don't expect. There will be expenses, there will be payments to be made. And there will be a flow of cash. Because I believe in a beautiful flow of energy. I believe that there will always be enough. I am beginning to see that this pattern in my life is a wonderful, normal way of the universe. When I'm in need, I will be provided for. I never know how, and I don't need to know. It's enough, for me, to simply trust.