coincidence? I think not!

On Tuesday, I taught my regular all-levels class at Upward Dog Studio here in Ottawa. http://www.upwarddogyoga.ca/Upward_Dog_Yoga/Home.html. I taught a hip-opening class, with a focus on releasing, letting go, non-grasping. Which, if you've read the last couple of my blogs, you'll know is a little theme in my personal life - softening, letting go of the grasping, in our bodies, minds, attitudes, thoughts, etc. Based on the principle that grasping causes suffering and dis-ease, I am trying to soften the grasping in my life. Soften the grasping in my belly (a sure sign of when I'm feeling anxious!), soften the self-critical voices in my head, soften the need to get it right and be perfect all the time. So as our class progressed through various hip releasing poses, culminating in the delicious (and sometimes dreaded) pigeon, I reminded the class to come back to the idea of non-grasping, letting go of things that don't work for them anymore.

Letting go of ideas that keep us limited in how we live, letting go of thoughts that are self-destructive, letting go of holding in our bodies in ways that prevent us from softening into a pose. The breath is such a wonderful way to soften into a pose. By lengthening the exhalation as we breathe, our body softens, our mind softens, and we are able to release and sink into a pose a little more easily.

After I taught my class, I went to a class as a student. And guess what the theme of that class was?! Letting go! Releasing! We did many of the same poses I had just taught, including the pigeon, but leading to double pigeon, or fire log pose. This is a more intense hip opener. 

 What I loved was that I now got to experience, as a student, what I had just taught! I got to focus on my own softening, my own letting go. It was a wonderful treat, to have that right after I taught, in the same energy and same intention. I was delighted to know that the message I was inspired to share was the same message I received from my teacher.

And THEN, after that class, I spoke with another teacher friend who had been teaching a class at the same time as the one I was taking, and she was teaching about releasing and letting go too!!! WOW WOW! We were all in sync! Isn't that amazing? Three teachers, at the same studio, teaching at the same time, on the same theme or intention, having not discussed it at all! I don't believe in coincidences - I think we're all plugged into the same Source, the same Intelligence, the same Spirit! So very exciting!! When I start to doubt myself, when I start to feel fears and self-questioning arise, I can take a breath, and trust that I am on the right path; I am listening to the wisdom that resides in me. That resides in all of us. So I can soften that self-criticism and worry and fear, let go of it all, and just enjoy the ride! Wow! It's all such fun!

when things don't go as we plan...

Sometimes I think things are going a certain way. And then they don't. And then there is sadness. Disappointment. Grief even. And I think, hmmm, maybe I should learn this being-in-the-moment thing more, and not plan, and not anticipate, and not get attached to how I want things to go... because if there was no planning and anticipating, there wouldn't be this disappointment and sadness. But how? I struggle with that. How do you live life fully, in this moment, and NOT think to the future? Guess I need to do a little more meditation and reading and learning and sitting still. So for now, I am in this moment, sitting with my feelings of sadness and disappointment. And it's OK. I won't die from this. I know that this too shall pass. As with the seasons in nature, where everything is always changing, so there are seasons in my life. Where everything is always changing. And all I need to do is watch, observe, see the beauty, notice the pain and growth, and be very gentle and loving to myself in these times. OK.
Peace.

Sweet wishes for today

"May today there be peace within. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. May you use the gifts that you have received, and pass on the love that has been given to you. May you be content with yourself just the way you are. Let this knowledge settle into your bones, and allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance, praise and love."  ~Mother Theresa

A friend sent this to me, and I wanted to share it with you all. Isn't it a lovely blessing? What rich, perfect reminders in here. May you trust that you are exactly where you are meant to be. Ahhh. On the mat, allowing yourself to be, in each pose, in each moment. Off the mat, knowing that what is happening right now, was meant to be. That there is no need to plan, figure it our, fix it - I am exactly where I am meant to be. That's beautiful and soothing to my soul.
May you not forget the infinite possibilities that are born of faith in yourself and others. It's true, it is amazing and endless, what we are capable of. Really, it is only limited by our imagination. So by having faith in myself, ANYTHING can happen! By having faith in others, ANYTHING can happen!

What beautiful thoughts. I hope this blessing speaks to you in whatever way you need it to today. If you feel like sharing what this meant to you, I'd love to hear your comments!!

Shanti. Peace.

just stay...

I have been a runner. Not athletically, but as a way of dealing with life. In my actions, and in my mind. I'm regularly thinking of what's next. Instead of reveling in the beauty of my life right now, I think of what I will do next, where I will move next, who I might meet next. I enjoy my life, enjoy where I am, but I am usually moving on to the next thing, at the very least, in my mind. Can any of you out there relate?

I left my cozy family home at 18, and have been on the move since then! University years, teaching in England, traveling the world while working on a Cruise Ship for a few years, I never stayed in one place for more than a year or two. I've now lived in Ottawa for 6 1/2 years, which amazes me. But even while my body has stayed in this beautiful city, my mind is regularly planning when and where I'll go to next. I'm a little bit of a gypsy, in my mind at least :) In my jobs and careers, while I take pride and work diligently at whatever I'm doing, my mind is thinking, planning, wondering what will be next, when I'll leave. And, to be honest with you, in relationships, I do find myself thinking, how long will this last? Who will move on first? Is it possible, or even a good thing, to find "forever"? And, (god, I need to do some more therapy, or deep meditation :)), what if I need to run?!

I am aware of these things in me. Loving all parts of me, I learn to embrace these parts with compassion. But it came up in a most interesting way, in my yoga practice the other day.

I was doing my practice in my living room, on my mat, facing my sunny windows with a gorgeous view of the Gatineau Hills. I became aware, as I moved through my asana (physical postures), that I often only hold a pose for 3 or 4 breaths. I thought, let's see if I can hold for 10 breaths. Let's see what happens, energetically and physically. It's fun to play with your practice.

So I moved into Warrior 1, a lovely strong backbend. I focused on my balanced, abdominal breathing, and held. 3 breaths, 4 breaths, 5 breaths. And then something began to stir inside of me. Frustration. Irritation. I began to sweat crazily, and began to feel nauseous. I brought my attention back to my breath, and tried to talk myself through it. "Angie, you're ok. You can hold this. Just stay". It wasn't that I was in pain, that my body couldn't hold the pose. My body felt great. It was completely psychological and emotional! I wanted to move. I wanted to do what was next. I did not want to stay. My breath became rough and ragged, I desperately wanted to get out of the pose, I felt hot and bothered. It was such a crazy visceral reaction, to staying in one place! I breathed through it, held the pose for 10 breaths, and sat quietly, to regain my breath and my centre. What a funny experience! My mind became flooded with all these things I run from, the way I move through life, so quickly, always thinking about what is next.

What a lesson! Again, my asana practice revealed some funny patterns in my life, and in my mind! Man, this yoga is the coolest thing ever. I love all I learn from it. And as I become aware of the way I live, often unconsciously, I can allow those things to come up, and deal with them. With love and compassion.

I still want to run. Still want to move on to whatever is next. But today I am a little more aware than I was before, and that is one of the wonderful things about this yogic path. Because with awareness can come change.

Namaste.

Three Things...

I have just 3 things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.    
      ~Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher, 6th century BC

Isn't this a beautiful thing? Just reading those three words makes me sigh deeply and sweetly. Oooh, I love the idea of living through these three concepts. In each moment of my day. On and off my yoga mat.

Imagine, a simpler life. It IS within our grasp, if we truly want it. I can simplify my schedule. I can choose to simplify my social schedule. I can simplify my thought life. I can simplify my yoga practice. Recently, I've gone to a couple of classes where there are complicated, sexy, twisty poses. And to be honest with you, some of them I can't do. And I find myself feeling insecure, and hear my inner talk getting self-critical. Right now my practice is quite simple. The classes I teach are quite simple. I truly believe that simple can bring wonderful, deep experiences of joy and calmness. But when I'm exposed to complicated, twisty, complex poses, and they look like fun, and I can't do them, I decide I must therefore be a failure. Hmmm. Maybe I'll try to bring myself back to being ok with simplicity.

Patience is perhaps my biggest challenge in life :) I want things done NOW. If things aren't the way I think they should be, I want to act, now. I want others to act, now. I go crazy when I have to wait. Whoooo, even writing that, I get all spinny and anxious inside. See, in my mind, I have figured out what my best life will look like. And I figure it should all happen right now, please and thank you very much. (oooh, I've learned to giggle at the thoughts in my mind :)) So one of my lessons in this life, I am quite sure, is to learn to wait. To be patient. Patience till the next bus comes. Patience till the man of my dreams comes :) Patience with others, when they're doing what they want to do, and not what I want them to do. Patience with myself, when I'm not quite all I want to be. On the mat, I tend to get impatient with myself, my body - I get impatient with myself, that I can't go from low plank to upward dog yet. Or I get impatient, when a teacher asks us to hold a pose and I want to move, to change, to act :) Ahhh, patience... such a gift.... I choose to let that grow and develop in me :)

The delightful trait of compassion is a gift you can't miss, when you've had it extended it to you. I hope you can take a moment to remember when someone showed you compassion. Remember it, feel it again. so warm, and lovely, and loving. The first person we all need to show compassion to, is ourselves, I believe. When we stop to listen to the thoughts that race in our minds, they are often very unkind, uncompassionate thoughts toward ourselves. With angry thoughts spewing at ourselves, how can we show compassion to others? It's that old adage, you can't give what you don't have. So take time to challenge those unkind thoughts toward yourself, and have gentle compassion for yourself. You are absolutely doing the best you can with what you have. And then, let that softness and compassion flow to others around you. Compassion for the people in your family. Compassion for the homeless guy you walk past every day. Compassion for the guy in the car that just cut you off. Compassion for the telemarketers who call you on Saturday morning (am I going to far?!?) The truth is, we are all doing the best we can, with what we have. So why not soften toward ourselves and each others? And to bring it back to the mat, show compassion to yourself, as you are in your poses. Compassion to your body. Yesterday I participated in a class, and it was a wonderful class with a wonderful teacher. But I pushed myself, too far in a pose my body wasn't ready for, and now my hip really hurts. That wasn't very kind toward myself. I knew, in the moment, that my body wasn't ready for what I was asking it to do, but I pushed forward, without compassion, and now I'm in pain. Hmmm. Lack of compassion causes pain. To me. To others. Hmmm.

So. Simplicity. Patience. Compassion. These three are the greatest treasures. I think I believe it!

Have a lovely weekend, and I wish you more simplicity, sweet patience, and overflowing compassion for yourself and those around you.

Namaste.

Do nothing?

Do less and achieve more. Do nothing and achieve everything.

Whoa. What does this crazy quote mean? How is this possible? Isn't this contrary to everything our society embraces? My active, spinning, busy mind rebels against this thought. My need to be in control rises up against this thought - but no, I need to do, I need to act, I need to take charge, I need to do something! I can't sit, and rest, and do nothing. Then nothing would get done!! I alone am responsible for making everything happen and everything work. (sarcastic, yes, but I think I really think this is true!! how kooky!!) I can't do nothing!! And how in the world could I achieve everything, by doing nothing?

Let's look at how this relates to asana, or the physical postures. Sometimes, we go into postures with a lot of effort. We're holding a pose, and we feel tension build in our body, and we begin to feel pain, but we're going to hold it anyway, because we are used to "acting", to doing. But the truth is, if we're in a pose and unable to find sthira and sukham (steadiness and comfort or ease), our bodies remain tense, and we can't fully experience the benefits of the pose. If we can back out of a pose, find that ease, and just breathe, we will actually go deeper into the pose and our mind will become quieter and more still. The less we do, it seems, the more we "achieve". After a physical practice, we lie in stillness in savasana (corpse pose). In this place of stillness, of doing nothing, our bodies, on a subtle, deep level, integrate the physical work that was done before. Our breath quiets, our mind comes to stillness and quietness, and perhaps, we drop into a deeper, altered state of consciousness, where only light and clarity and beauty exist. In this act of doing nothing, we achieve everything. Everything that is truly important. A connection with our true, higher Self.

The truth is, this is the opposite of what our society embraces. Our society values busyness, values doing and acting and moving, in order to achieve. Think of the people who have the title of "successful" in our society. Usually, they are A-type personlities, involved in a multitude of projects, high-paced, their days are planned out minute-to-minute, and even their holiday time (if they take holiday time!) is tightly structured. They are busy, doing much. And perhaps they feel they are achieving a lot. Certainly, career-wise and materially they may be! But with such busyness, and doing, I wonder if they come to a place of stillness and quietness, ever. If they ever get to stop, breathe, and appreciate what is in them, and around them. Maybe they do, and if so, I applaud them! But the people I've chatted with, who live such active, doing lives, never seem satisfied. There is always one more thing to be involved in, one more thing they should be doing. 

What do I know? These are just my observations. But take a moment to think about it, if you will. 

I know, certainly, when it comes to life things, such as relationships, and job searches, and friendships, there are things I need to do. I need to invest time. I need to send out resumes. I need to show the people I love, that I love them. But I'm sure I can simplify. And I KNOW I can allow my mind to rest more. I've written about this before - my mind spins and worries and tries to figure things out. And tries to act in desperate ways, to make things happen. But, when I let go, when I release, when I can breathe and trust, I seem to "achieve" more. When I can let go of all effort, when I can stop worrying and spinning and scheming, life evolves, naturally and beautifully and effortlessly. Probably in the way it would have turned out, with or without my worrying. Except I feel peace. And calm. And clear. And quiet. And connected. To Myself and the beautiful Universe and everyone around me.

And perhaps, right there, in doing nothing, I have achieved everything. Hmm.

Money Magic

I am feeling so very blessed and so very fortunate. I feel like I am starting to understand, maybe, how things can flow in our lives.

I have a car. I am grateful to have a car, because sometimes I need to get places, faster and further than my bike can take me. But, my sweet little Civic is aging... and cars can't do yoga to keep their parts healthy. So it's beginning it's decline, I feel. I need my brakes worked on, for a little fee of $700. Oh, there are other things that should be done soon, but this is an immediate concern. Brakes, yes, I need to be able to stop effectively and efficiently. My old patterns of worrying about money come up pretty quickly in these situations. Where am I going to find the money? How am I going to pay for this? Yikes, the panic starts.

And then. I stop. And I breathe. And I remember what I know to be true. That money is simply something that flows. It comes and it goes. So many times in my past, when I've needed money and put that need out to the Universe, the money has flowed in. SO many times. And each time I am amazed and so thankful.

So when I became aware of my panicky thoughts, I stopped, and I took some deep abdominal breaths (cause that stops the anxiety for me!), and I simply let that thought out - Beautiful Lovely, I need some money to pay for this. Please bring whatever into my life, to allow me to pay for my car. If that's more work, bring it on. If that's a gift, bring it on. I won't worry about the how - I trust that money is coming. Then I went to sleep.

Yesterday morning, I checked my bank account on-line. And there was an extra $200, just deposited by the Government for my overpayment of my taxes!! I had no idea that was coming, totally unexpected! Wow!!!

Then yesterday at noon I taught a yoga class, to my fabulous colleagues at UOttawa. It was a beautiful, hot sunny day, and more people came out than have ever come before. And they paid, and my cup was overflowing!

I am grateful. I feel a little weepy as I sit writing this. Because I know I'm ok. I know I always have been ok, I know I always will be ok. Things pop up in life that we don't expect. There will be expenses, there will be payments to be made. And there will be a flow of cash. Because I believe in a beautiful flow of energy. I believe that there will always be enough. I am beginning to see that this pattern in my life is a wonderful, normal way of the universe. When I'm in need, I will be provided for. I never know how, and I don't need to know. It's enough, for me, to simply trust.

As I learn to let go, I receive.

I just read this quote somewhere online, and it really resonated with me.

From a very physical point of yoga, when we can let go in our practices, release into our postures, and simply focus on our breath and the present moment, we receive. We receive the gift of stillness, the gift of ease. Our minds can become quiet, our bodies can release deeper into poses, and sometimes we can reach further than we could when we were grasping to achieve something.

As we take yoga off the mat, we can see the same principles at work. When I grasp at life, try to make things happen, worry about how my bills are going to get paid, try to control things around me, I very rarely truly receive. I feel anxious, bothered, spinny in my mind. Sometimes I get "results" from my hard work and strivings. And yet, when I am able to let go, I receive more. It may not look like what I thought it was going to, but wow, I am often blown away by the richness of what I receive!

I want to share a cool example.  I've been feeling a little stressed about money the last few days. I was going over and over in my head, how I would make things stretch, how I would make things work, where I could find the money... And in the process was feeling more anxious, more worried, with each moment. Then I brought my worries, my heaviness, my stress, to my mat and to my journal. I decided that instead of my old pattern of heaviness, striving, anxiety and shame that I have about money, I would let go. I would choose lightness and joy. I would release my old patterns and worries and heaviness. I didn't have a clue how things would work out, how I would receive, etc. But I set an intention to let go. To simply trust in the flow of life.

Then, today, I taught a lovely group of people yoga. I have set this class up that people can pay when and if they are able. I set up a little box, and people drop in whatever they choose to. I never know what I'll find when I open the box, and some weeks people aren't able to pay. But guess what?! As I learn to let go, I receive. This week my box was full!

This is only one small example of the beauty of this principle - as I learn to let go, I receive. I see it in action all around me, in my life and the lives of others who are learning to let go. So, as you go forward in your days, in your practice on the mat, and your practice off the mat, see if you can let go. Let go of the tension in your belly. Let go of the need to plan and control. And just see what happens! It's a fun experiment, if nothing else :) 

Namaste.

Letting Go

Have you ever noticed, that when the time is right for us to learn a lesson, that lesson comes to us from a variety of places? The same theme, the same message might come from a book you're reading, a line in a movie or a song, a speaker you hear, a yoga teacher, conversations with friends. It's like once you're ready to learn something, the teaching will come. I guess it's that old adage, when the student is ready, the teacher will appear.


This week, apparently, Angie Wellman is to learn about letting go. Actually, I think this might be the lesson of this year for me :) See, I seem to like to be in control. Can anyone out there relate? I like to know what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, how it's going to happen. I can create entire worlds of hopes and plans in my mind, and then I try to manipulate the world, to make those things happen. I want to know why. I want to figure it out. I want to solve the problem, act, make things happen the way I want them to happen. If I feel pain, I want to avoid that, so I get busy making changes. Escape plans, usually :) When I have an experience that makes me feel really happy, I want to repeat that (who wouldn't), so I plan and scheme and act to try to make it happen again, to try to recapture that magical moment, that magical time. Only, it never seems to be as wonderful when I've "made" it happen again... there are actually yogic teachings about that - that pain and suffering come when we get attached to something that made us feel happy, and we try to repeat it.


Anyway, I think this week's lesson was in letting go of all that. Letting go of figuring it out. Letting go of making life happen. Letting go of the intention to repeat the happy things I've had in the past. Letting go of sadness, letting go of expectations. Just letting go.


I taught a class on Monday, and I set the intention for my class, to release and let go. We did a lot of forward bends - standing forward bends, seated forward bends, apanasana, wide leg forward bends, child's pose. Forward bends are about release. About letting go. We spend all day standing upright, with our front body exposed to the world. Forward bends allow us to draw inward, use gravity to open the back body, and calm our minds as we exhale deeply. I also asked my students to breath, using a 1:2 ratio - inhale for a count of 4 or 5, then exhale for twice that length - perhaps for 8 or 10 counts. These long exhalations allow our body to release more, but also calm our mind. Long exhales calm the nervous system, let our bodies know it's safe to just let go, and bring a deep stillness to our mind and body. I really enjoyed sharing the class with my students, and people entered into a really deep savasana. 

Then, Tuesday night, I went to my teacher's yoga class. Right now, I feel the need to go to my own classes regularly, to learn from my teacher and get connected with my body and breath. And guess what her class was about? Yep, forward bends, releasing, and letting go! Delightful! And after her class, I went into such a deep relaxation in savasana, my body and mind fully released and I went to that beautiful place of absolute quiet and stillness.

So with several days of forward bends and the intention of letting go, I noticed some subtle shifts in my consciousness. A feeling of knowing it was time to let go of some pain I'd been carrying. Time to let go of heaviness and burdens. A clarity about releasing the intense expectations I have of myself, to be and do certain things. 

And today I feel a little softer inside. A little freer. And for me, that is what yoga is all about. Lovely.  

Acceptance

It's a funny thing, acceptance.

In asana practices, we often set the intention to accept what is. Let go of any attachments you may have. Attachments to how you think the class should go. Attachments to how you think the teacher should teach. Attachments to how you think your body should move. Let go, and just accept each moment as it is, believing that you are exactly where you're supposed to be. Accept your body as it is, right now. Accept the strange, the unusual, the unknown, the uncomfortable. Accept what you perceive as your weaknesses, accept the emotions and thoughts as they arise. Try not to judge, try not to analyze, or figure anything out - simply accept. Be present, be aware, be the observer, and simply accept.

I don't know about you, but some days this is impossible!! I come into classes with expectations. I come to my mat with expectations.

Maybe this time I'll be able to hold my plank longer, just to prove I'm strong.

I really hope that this time I won't get so hot and bothered with the bow, cause I hate that sweaty, nauseous feeling.

I'm so terrible, my mind always wanders, this time I'm going to work really hard to make sure my mind doesn't wander so much in meditation.

Maybe this time the teacher will remember to give me a nice assist when I'm in downward dog, cause it feels so good, and I was so mad when she forgot me last time...

I try to keep a sense of humour about it all, cause really, it's pretty funny when we can track all the attachments and thoughts we have! And the truth is, that if we can experience even a few moments of acceptance in our practice, that sets up a beautiful pattern in our mind, that can carry into our lives off the mat. Imagine, living each day, just accepting as things come. Not planning, not worrying. Not judging our bodies or our thoughts. Not judging others, even if we don't understand them or they're driving us crazy!! Not hating on our jobs or resenting the tasks we're busy with. Just accepting things as they are.

Hmmm. Sounds really peaceful, really lovely, really impossible!!

But I will continue to believe that it is possible, and until I get to that place of enlightenment (haha!!), I will accept that I am human, I will accept that I do get attached to things, I will accept that I am great just the way I am, and I will continue to try to accept each moment as it comes.

Twistacular

Last week, I taught a twisting class. I spent the week before preparing the class, walking through it, trying the sequence, working on the transitions, making sure it would make sense for a class. So, suffice it to say, I did a lot of twisting that week! For those of you unfamiliar with the effects of twisting asanas (postures) in yoga, twists are wonderful for detoxifying, for aiding in digestion, and for massaging our internal organs. They help us digest our food, but also help us digest our experiences, and our emotions, so they can flow through us, instead of sitting and festering inside us.

After the class was finished, I had some time to sit and be still. And I was amazed with what happened in my mind! The week before, I had been struggling with some thoughts, some decisions, some things I thought I needed to figure out. That week, my mind was working so hard to figure it out, and all I did was exhaust myself and indulge in a little mind-spinning, with no real understanding. As I sat in quietness, after the week of twists, clear concise thoughts started rising to the surface, about all I'd been spinning about the previous week. It was so peaceful, so easy, so gentle, so clear. It was as if all those twists had processed and digested all those worries and thoughts and samskaras, and out came such clear, calm knowledge. It was beautiful!! And that night, I slept so deeply, and dreamt of solutions and resolutions to all I'd been worried about.

I have studied these effects of yoga, but it was incredible to actually experience how asanas (the physical postures) can truly affect our lives. Through the ancient writings, we see that asanas were intended to prepare us for meditation. I saw this in action this week, when my asana practice allowed the junk to be cleared out of my mind and body, and I could sit and hear the calm, still voice that knows.

This yoga stuff is deep, and beautiful, and I'm so excited to keep learning how it can transform our lives!!