Inside and Out

I am learning to become an observer, without judgement. This is tricky for me, cause I have a pretty loud Judge inside me. But yoga is helping me learn to observe, to watch, to just notice, without judging. My asana practice (physical postures) helps with this, my meditation practice helps with this, my pranayama practice (breath work) helps with this.

Here's what I observed this week. In me, and in others.

We have a habit of looking outward, instead of looking inward.

One morning this week, I took the bus to work, as I do most mornings. As I sat on my always-crowded bus, I noticed a young woman sitting across from me. She might have been 20, 22 years old. She looked really unhappy. She had sad eyes, her lips were drawn down in a frown, she looked like a discontented commuter (I get it, I likely look the same to others, especially on Monday mornings!!). Then, her phone must have vibrated, because she quickly picked it up and checked it. Immediately, her countenance brightened, her eyes lifted, her mouth turned into a soft smile, and a nice lightness came into her shoulders. She was uplifted by whatever came through on that text. I looked around, and all around me, people were on their phones, texting, reading, listening to music, checking out their Facebook, all those things people do with their amaz-a-phones these days!

And I started thinking, how easy it is to stay outside ourselves, all day long now. There is constant external stimuli for us, if we want to engage.

And I started to think about this young woman, who had seemed so sad, so unhappy, sitting there with her own thoughts, until something outside herself reached for her, and then the happiness came. There seemed to be such misery inside her (and I'm only noting what her face and body language were expressing), and she needed something outside her to bring her joy.

I relate to this. A couple of years ago, I became very aware that every time I felt alone, sad, lonely, I would desperately reach outside myself, to stop that feeling. I would pick up my phone and call anyone and everyone, until I could reach someone I could talk with.  It was an urgency, an insistency, almost a panic, that I needed to get outside myself to soothe the pain of loneliness. I'd check my texts with a compulsion, to see if anyone was out there. If I couldn't get anyone, I'd cruise around Facebook,  desperately trying to connect with someone, find someone who could make me feel happy. Other times, when I felt a lot of stress, I'd reach outside myself to turn on the TV, to numb the feelings.

But what I've slowly been learning, or remembering, is that everything I need is inside me. What I've discovered, as I watch these compulsions in me, is that every time I feel lonely, disconnected, or sad, it is usually as a result of my overly-busy life where I have not taken time to sit and be with me - I haven't journalled, meditated, gone for a walk, had a cup of tea with just me, in a few days. And what I've begun to remember, is that I like me. That I like being alone. That when I draw inside, and listen to how I'm feeling, and check in with myself, I can bring myself to a greater sense of joy and peace and contentment, than anything outside me ever could. I'm not undermining how important strong, healthy, loving relationships with others are. My dear friends and family are so important to me, and bring me great joy and wonderful support when I need it. But what I'm saying is, I'm responsible for drawing inward and finding my own joy, not waiting for something outside me to bring it along. That external "joy" is fleeting; the internal peace and stability is long-lasting.

We are an external-reaching society - look outside yourself for how you should look, act, be. Look to others for your worth, for your joy, for acceptance. And, as far as I can tell, it's not working so well. It has never worked for me. And with such horribly high rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide in our world, this habit of looking outside ourselves for happiness and worth just doesn't seem to be working for many people. So, people, look inside! Just try it - when you feel sad, lonely, or anxious, try something new. Instead of hoping on that phone, try going inside yourself and sit with your thoughts and your feelings. Sit there with softness, kindness, love and gentleness for yourself. All you need is there. 

coincidence? I think not!

On Tuesday, I taught my regular all-levels class at Upward Dog Studio here in Ottawa. http://www.upwarddogyoga.ca/Upward_Dog_Yoga/Home.html. I taught a hip-opening class, with a focus on releasing, letting go, non-grasping. Which, if you've read the last couple of my blogs, you'll know is a little theme in my personal life - softening, letting go of the grasping, in our bodies, minds, attitudes, thoughts, etc. Based on the principle that grasping causes suffering and dis-ease, I am trying to soften the grasping in my life. Soften the grasping in my belly (a sure sign of when I'm feeling anxious!), soften the self-critical voices in my head, soften the need to get it right and be perfect all the time. So as our class progressed through various hip releasing poses, culminating in the delicious (and sometimes dreaded) pigeon, I reminded the class to come back to the idea of non-grasping, letting go of things that don't work for them anymore.

Letting go of ideas that keep us limited in how we live, letting go of thoughts that are self-destructive, letting go of holding in our bodies in ways that prevent us from softening into a pose. The breath is such a wonderful way to soften into a pose. By lengthening the exhalation as we breathe, our body softens, our mind softens, and we are able to release and sink into a pose a little more easily.

After I taught my class, I went to a class as a student. And guess what the theme of that class was?! Letting go! Releasing! We did many of the same poses I had just taught, including the pigeon, but leading to double pigeon, or fire log pose. This is a more intense hip opener. 

 What I loved was that I now got to experience, as a student, what I had just taught! I got to focus on my own softening, my own letting go. It was a wonderful treat, to have that right after I taught, in the same energy and same intention. I was delighted to know that the message I was inspired to share was the same message I received from my teacher.

And THEN, after that class, I spoke with another teacher friend who had been teaching a class at the same time as the one I was taking, and she was teaching about releasing and letting go too!!! WOW WOW! We were all in sync! Isn't that amazing? Three teachers, at the same studio, teaching at the same time, on the same theme or intention, having not discussed it at all! I don't believe in coincidences - I think we're all plugged into the same Source, the same Intelligence, the same Spirit! So very exciting!! When I start to doubt myself, when I start to feel fears and self-questioning arise, I can take a breath, and trust that I am on the right path; I am listening to the wisdom that resides in me. That resides in all of us. So I can soften that self-criticism and worry and fear, let go of it all, and just enjoy the ride! Wow! It's all such fun!

the old patterns...

Last week I wrote about softening. About letting go of grasping. It's a hard habit to break, I have to confess! I woke up this morning thinking and planning and worrying and fretting about all I had to do, and all I have planned in the next few weeks. I started out the year (only a short two weeks ago!) with a very quiet feeling inside, that I would just let things unfold and evolve as they did... that I would NOT prebook every weekend for the next three months, as I had done in the previous year, which always turned out to be a huge source of anxiety for me. And yet, when I woke up and thought about the coming weeks, I realized I had jumped back into my old patterns and rhythms. A speaker I heard at the Himalayan Institute at New Year's talked about it being like the grooves in a record - as we make patterns in our lives, ways of living, those become like grooves, and the needle plays those same grooves over and over and over again. Until we wake up and realize that groove is not working for us, not bringing about the peace and stillness we may deeply desire. This groove, well-worn and well-established, of planning and doing and packing my schedule so full, is deep. I had two weeks of feeling free of it, yet I became aware this morning, that I'm playing the old song again, even when I KNOW that is not the way I want to live!

In yoga, these old grooves, these patterns, are called samskaras: general patterns, as well as individual ideas, impressions, or actions. Yoga philosophy speaks of various ways of overcoming our samskaras, or of breaking their hold and repetitive patterns in our lives. Here are two great articles about this: http://www.yogajournal.com/lifestyle/1318 and http://www.freddiewyndhamyoga.com/philosophy/samskaras.php. But as a simple step, bringing awareness to the samskaras is very powerful. Awareness, and then a vigilance to live differently. Each time I choose to step away from that groove, to change my thoughts or actions, the pull of the groove gets weaker and weaker, until, eventually, it has no power anymore.

I am aware of this samskara - this habit, and occasional compulsion - to book and book and schedule myself until I can't breathe. It has to do with needing to feel important, needing to feel connected, needing to have plans, needing to be in control. Oh so many things I think I need! :) But as I follow these "needs", and try to fill the needs with plans and busyness, I end up feeling empty, exhausted, pulled in too many directions, anxious. And, I know, that when I let go of the grasping and planning, when I DON'T plan my weekends up for the next three months, I feel a great sense of relief and rest and stillness inside. I have space to breathe and rest, and often really wonderful connections and meetings and events come, in the moment, that I am able to enjoy and take part in. Because they came as part of the flow, not as part of my scheduled grasping and holding. Ahhhh.

Old habits are hard to break :) And I will choose softness, even in noticing that - I won't beat myself up, I won't berate myself. I will simply, softly, observe and be aware. And then choose to step out of that groove :)