Inside and Out

I am learning to become an observer, without judgement. This is tricky for me, cause I have a pretty loud Judge inside me. But yoga is helping me learn to observe, to watch, to just notice, without judging. My asana practice (physical postures) helps with this, my meditation practice helps with this, my pranayama practice (breath work) helps with this.

Here's what I observed this week. In me, and in others.

We have a habit of looking outward, instead of looking inward.

One morning this week, I took the bus to work, as I do most mornings. As I sat on my always-crowded bus, I noticed a young woman sitting across from me. She might have been 20, 22 years old. She looked really unhappy. She had sad eyes, her lips were drawn down in a frown, she looked like a discontented commuter (I get it, I likely look the same to others, especially on Monday mornings!!). Then, her phone must have vibrated, because she quickly picked it up and checked it. Immediately, her countenance brightened, her eyes lifted, her mouth turned into a soft smile, and a nice lightness came into her shoulders. She was uplifted by whatever came through on that text. I looked around, and all around me, people were on their phones, texting, reading, listening to music, checking out their Facebook, all those things people do with their amaz-a-phones these days!

And I started thinking, how easy it is to stay outside ourselves, all day long now. There is constant external stimuli for us, if we want to engage.

And I started to think about this young woman, who had seemed so sad, so unhappy, sitting there with her own thoughts, until something outside herself reached for her, and then the happiness came. There seemed to be such misery inside her (and I'm only noting what her face and body language were expressing), and she needed something outside her to bring her joy.

I relate to this. A couple of years ago, I became very aware that every time I felt alone, sad, lonely, I would desperately reach outside myself, to stop that feeling. I would pick up my phone and call anyone and everyone, until I could reach someone I could talk with.  It was an urgency, an insistency, almost a panic, that I needed to get outside myself to soothe the pain of loneliness. I'd check my texts with a compulsion, to see if anyone was out there. If I couldn't get anyone, I'd cruise around Facebook,  desperately trying to connect with someone, find someone who could make me feel happy. Other times, when I felt a lot of stress, I'd reach outside myself to turn on the TV, to numb the feelings.

But what I've slowly been learning, or remembering, is that everything I need is inside me. What I've discovered, as I watch these compulsions in me, is that every time I feel lonely, disconnected, or sad, it is usually as a result of my overly-busy life where I have not taken time to sit and be with me - I haven't journalled, meditated, gone for a walk, had a cup of tea with just me, in a few days. And what I've begun to remember, is that I like me. That I like being alone. That when I draw inside, and listen to how I'm feeling, and check in with myself, I can bring myself to a greater sense of joy and peace and contentment, than anything outside me ever could. I'm not undermining how important strong, healthy, loving relationships with others are. My dear friends and family are so important to me, and bring me great joy and wonderful support when I need it. But what I'm saying is, I'm responsible for drawing inward and finding my own joy, not waiting for something outside me to bring it along. That external "joy" is fleeting; the internal peace and stability is long-lasting.

We are an external-reaching society - look outside yourself for how you should look, act, be. Look to others for your worth, for your joy, for acceptance. And, as far as I can tell, it's not working so well. It has never worked for me. And with such horribly high rates of anxiety, depression, and suicide in our world, this habit of looking outside ourselves for happiness and worth just doesn't seem to be working for many people. So, people, look inside! Just try it - when you feel sad, lonely, or anxious, try something new. Instead of hoping on that phone, try going inside yourself and sit with your thoughts and your feelings. Sit there with softness, kindness, love and gentleness for yourself. All you need is there. 

2012 - a year for softness

I went away this year for New Year's. I decided to get away from the urban experience of New Year's - the busyness, the parties, the expectations and let-downs I always experience at this time of year. I traveled down to the Himalayan Institute (http://www.himalayaninstitute.org/) for a weekend of yoga, meditation, learning, and rest. I wandered in the forests that surround the Institute, ate fabulous organic vegetarian food, did gentle yoga practices and heard wonderful teachings that reminded me of the teacher and healer inside me. It was the most wonderful way to spend a New Year's, and a perfect way to welcome 2012. I returned feeling nurtured, rested, inspired, whole.

One thing that stood out to me, and has stayed with me, was something one of the teachers, Rolf Sovik said. He said (and I paraphrase terribly, because he is a wonderful, wise, articulate teacher) that the way we hold our body determines our health. When we hold ourselves tightly in our body, we can develop poor health, disease, pain. Dis-ease. I began thinking of where I hold myself. Where I grasp. I immediately thought of my belly. Since the age of 12, I've been aware that my belly sticks out, and, taking my cue from the flat bellies of Hollywood and fashion magazines, I began holding it all in. I also experience anxiety quite often in my life, and I can tell when my anxiety is ramping up, when I feel the tightness in my belly. Deep inside. A grasping and holding of everything in there, in an attempt to hold it all together and keep myself from falling apart. I think it is much more than a coincidence that I have suffered with Irritable Bowel Syndrome since I was a teenager, and have all kinds of strange things happening in my reproductive organs. And when I hear the health complaints of women around me, young and old, they often are in the belly region. OF COURSE!! Cause we're grasping, holding on, keeping ourselves tight and held in! And when we hold onto something, in the physical body, there is tension, and an inability to release and let go of toxins. Physical, and emotional toxins.

There are various places in my body I hold tension - my jaw, neck, shoulders. I'm sure you can scan your body right now, and identify where you hold, where you grasp. And the grasping comes from places of stress, anxiety, the desire to hold ourselves together. To keep on keeping on.

I also hold on, tightly, in my mind. In the revelations that have come since my little yoga retreat, I realize I've become quite a control freak in the past few years - I hold on to my schedules, to my rules, to my need to impress and be affirmed, I hold on to the thoughts and feelings I have, playing them over and over again in my mind. I grasp onto worrying. Oh, I worry and worry and worry like I think it's going to help me solve anything. And to be honest, my mind is pretty tired these days! With all the holding and grasping, it's exhausted. It needs a rest. I can't imagine the dis-ease that is going on in my mind. Or, rather, I can. It's symptoms are confusion, forgetfulness, anxiety, depression, a desire to escape, unkind self-talk.

So, after my time away and a wonderful reminder that grasping is bad for my health, physically and mentally, I'm setting an intention for 2012, to be soft. To rest in softness. To notice when I'm holding my belly, and soften into deep, soothing breath. To notice when I'm holding onto a thought pattern that brings me sorrow or frustration, and to let it go. To choose to say no to things, events, people, if there is tension and grasping attached. To choose to NOT plan and scheme and schedule, but to soften into whatever happens throughout my day.

And I have to happily report, in the first 10 days of the new year, as I have responded to things with softness, amazing things have happened already, things being taken care of that I would normally have worried and stewed about, and analyzed to death. As I soften, let go, un-grasp, things unfold beautifully, perfectly, healthily. [and, incidentally, non-grasping is one of the yoga principles - aparigraha - non-grasping! to read more about this, please see this great article: http://www.healthy.net/Health/Article/The_Ten_Living_Principles_Yamas_and_Niyamas/2410/2]

To 2012, to softness!!!

connecting

"only connect"

        ~E.M. Forster

Mr. Forster wrote this quote in his book, "Howard's End". He spoke about choosing to live in fragments no longer. He spoke of how we all, perhaps, have many parts to our selves, and keep them isolated - the monk and the beast. He spoke of how, if we could stop isolating our "parts", we would no longer live in parts, but would be whole, and when that happens, "human love will be seen at its height".


what a lovely thought.


I'm going to wander in a different direction with his quote, "only connect". As we head into this season that is supposed to be about family, love, warmth, companionship, and generosity, I'm so aware of how easy it is to feel disconnected. This holiday season can be really difficult for a lot of people. Certainly for people who have lost a loved one, through death, or the break-up of an important relationship. Certainly for people who are estranged from their families. And, let's be honest, even if we spend time with our families, we know that most families have their issues, and spending time together is not always peaceful or wonderful. The holiday season can bring up such feelings of loneliness, in people from every walk of life: poor or rich, healthy or unhealthy, young, old, city folk and country folk, married with kids or single. Somehow, this season of love and kindness can leave us feeling super-disconnected.


Only connect


What if we set an intention, this season, to simply focus on connection?


Could we all take time, each day, to connect with ourselves? Maybe while sitting in the glow of the christmas tree's lights, or on your yoga mat, or in a corner of a room where no one else will find you, or perhaps even on a quiet stroll through the forest. A time, each day, to focus on breathing. To focus on connecting with and listening to ourselves. A time, each day, to draw inwards, away from the busy hustle and bustle of the season. Away from the stimulation of the senses, brought about by the barrage of colours and music and noise and commercial energy. (it's amazing how anxiety and frustration will fade away, if we take time to do this)


And, could we all take time, each day, to connect with others? Not simply to talk about the weather, or argue about family stuff, or bump into each other in last-minute rushes at the mall. Could we take time to sit with another, to ask simple questions about their life, to really listen and remember we are all really one, really connected, in this journey of being human? Could we remember that, perhaps, a majority of us struggle a little with this season, and the simple act of connecting can ease the pain?


only connect


To connect with ourselves, to connect with others, perhaps to connect to a higher power, if you believe in that. In connecting, we realize that we are NOT alone. That there is love, beauty, energy, that flows between us all. What a lovely thing that is.


Happy holidays, everyone. Please, if you have a wonderful connecting experience, share it here under comments!! I'd love to hear your stories!


Shanti. Peace.

I'm Back!

After a 2-week hiatus from teaching, due to Birthday celebrations, a break-up, and a cold from hell, I finally got back to what I love best, teaching yoga. ahhh... it felt so wonderful to be back. I have to confess, my body is a little stiff and tired and slow, after quite a bit of time in bed and on my couch. But it is delightful, to feel it begin to open up and heal and lengthen as I get back to my mat, as student and teacher. It's a bit of a slow road back, but I love feeling the creaks and pops and gentle sighs of my body, as I move slowly into postures that bring me back into alignment.

Last night, I taught a lovely group of people at the studio I love best, Upward Dog in Ottawa, Ontario (that's Canada, for my lovely readers around the world!). As we head into a chilly autumn and winter season, I am drawn towards backbends and heartopeners, poses that open us up to warmth and sunshine and love. But, just a note, backbends are stimulating, so it is advised to do these in the morning or daytime, not before bed! You might have difficulty sleeping after!

I set Camel as my apex pose, as shown above. In order to do this fairly intense backbend, there are a lot of body parts that need to be opened and stretched and warmed up. Lunges, salabhasana, cobra, and Warrior 1 are excellent for strengthening and opening up the front and back body, which is necessary for Camel.
The front of the legs, thighs, knees, and quads need to be warmed up, stretched, increased in flexibility, before going to Camel safely. Inverted table, quad stretches, and lunges will help with this. All of these poses also open up the chest, the neck, and the front of the shoulders.



When I brought students into Camel, I reminded them that it is a good thing to underachieve in yoga, and especially if this is a new pose or they feel stiffness in their body. It is crucial to have a long, open front body and spine. The spine should constantly be lengthening, as you begin to bring your hips forward into the bend. Hands can simply rest on the lower back, or come down to hold the heels, as shown in the photo above. When coming out of the pose, move slowly, bring the hands back up to the lower back, and thinking of that long spine, bring yourself up to a straight back.

In yoga, it is so important to follow vinyasa krama, or intelligent sequencing. In a nutshell, that simply means that you identify what parts of your body need to be warmed up and opened up and strengthened before you go into your apex pose, and choose poses to do before the apex, that will prepare you for that pose, safely. The last thing you want to do is rush into a pose before your body is ready, or you can cause injury to your body. After the apex pose, it is also important to do poses that will balance your body, bring it back into alignment, and allow your body to return to rest. After our powerful Camel, students were asked to fold forward, and gently bring themselves into Child's Pose, where they could rest and bring their spine back into alignment after the backbending.

So, this is just a brief explanation of our fun backbending class. Hearts were opened, chests were expanded, and as we ended our class, we rested our awareness at our hearts, and said the following intention together, 3 times:

May my heart be filled with lovingkindness.

May I be well.

May I be peaceful and at ease.

May I be happy. 

I hope you enjoy this intention. It's so lovely, this lovingkindness meditation. May your hearts be opened and may you be filled with joy in this season.
Namaste!

Just sitting with it...

Yesterday, I wrote about disappointment. I felt a little lost, unsure, sad. I know these are common human emotions, common human experiences. I used to run from my emotions, as fast and furious as I could. When feeling sad or grieving, I would turn on the TV, eat some junk food, grab a bottle of wine, and drink it all, do anything I could to escape the feeling. And it worked, sort of, in the moment... but the thing that was causing me pain didn't go away. It just got pushed down and repressed, and often came back up in ugly, unpredictable ways when I wasn't ready to deal with it.

In the past few years, through my path with yoga, and just my own personal journey, I have learned the importance of sitting with pain and sadness. And just letting it be. Allowing the waves of sadness and pain to come to the surface, observing, holding that space so my grief can come up. And in sitting, instead of running away, the pain eventually lessens. It just does. Because I have honoured it, I have sat with it, I have loved myself through it. And then it doesn't have a hold on my anymore.

To let you in on my story right now, I just went through a break-up of a new relationship. No details are needed, it's a common story, you know how it goes, and the sadness that brings up. I do feel real sadness about not having this particular person in my life anymore. But as I sat with my pain, as I let the tears run, as I listened to my thoughts and deep heart cries, I realized that the deep pain is about so much more - my issues, my deep fears, about being alone, about not having someone to take care of me, about having to "do it on my own" again. And though that was scary to face, as those deep fears and blocks came up, I felt such clarity, such stillness, as I faced the truth. As I saw my inner fears. And as I began to see how those fears have affected the way I've lived my life, the choices I've made, the patterns I keep living out, again and again. And amidst my tears and sadness, there was joy. Hope. Understanding. Compassion. Even though this relationship didn't turn out the way I hoped it would, it was such a wonderful, necessary part of my journey, toward becoming Fully Me. I sat with my sadness. I loved myself enough to sit, and not run from the pain. And wonderful knowledge and truth came up.

There is a wonderful article, written by Thich Nhat Hanh, at http://www.shambhalasun.com/index.php?option=content&task=view&id=1756&Itemid=0&limit=1&limitstart=0, which talks about this, if you'd like to read more. His article speaks particularly about anger, but I feel it's really applicable to any emotion. He discusses how meditation (sitting, being with something, observing) allows us to recognize our emotion, be aware of it's presence, accept it, and allow it to be there. He talks about the importance of embracing our emotions and showing tenderness to them.

"Once we have recognized our anger [sadness, grief, etc], we embrace it. This is the second function of mindfulness and it is a very pleasant practice. Instead of fighting, we are taking good care of our emotion. If you know how to embrace your anger [sadness, grief, etc], something will change."

 Oh, I also want to give a shout out to my most wonderful, supportive, loving family and friends. It is so important to sit with your emotions and process them. But it is also so important to reach out, and be held by others. I am forever grateful to the amazing people who are in my life, who support me, listen to me, shower me with love and affection, and hold me up in these hard times too.

So, dear friends out there, it's all ok. It's all part of the journey. The beautiful, heart-breaking, scary, wonderful journey. Sit with it. Love yourself deeply. We are all wonderful, amazing people.

Restorative Yoga

Hi! I hope you've all had a lovely weekend. Here in Ottawa, the sun was shining, it was a glorious fall weekend. So grateful for warm sunny weather at the end of September! I want to soak it all in, while it's still around!

I've just begun a training course in Restorative Yoga, based on the work of Judith Lasater (http://www.restorativeyogateachers.com/learntopractice.html). It was 17 hours this past weekend, and there will be two more weekends like it, to become certified. What a wonderful, entirely different perspective on yoga! Restorative Yoga focuses on using props, to allow people to fully experience the rest and deep relaxation that is available in yoga. It is a practice that, to me, is all about compassion, gentleness, and rest. There is no movement, no striving, no pushing deeper into poses. It is about rest, deep relaxation, and the breath.

 We live in a society that is all about moving. About going, planning, thinking, learning, acting. Our sympathetic nervous system (responsible for fight-or-flight responses) is always in action for this. Our parasympathetic nervous system, which allows us to deeply relax, rest, and heal, is often under-used, and begins to "forget" how to operate. Restorative Yoga brings people into restful postures, for long periods of time, and thus begins to activate that parasympathetic system. While this system is active, our bodies can reach that level of rest, where our bodies can heal themselves from whatever is ailing us. It's wonderful for anxiety, for depression, for burn-out, for recovery from surgery, for sleep-deprivation, for recovery from illness and disease.

Doesn't it look delicious and nurturing? I'm excited to learn more about it, and then begin to share it with the people in my life and my students. In the mean time, I will offer you this - find some pillows, get yourself cozy, breathe deeply, and allow yourself to rest!

Namaste.

just stay...

I have been a runner. Not athletically, but as a way of dealing with life. In my actions, and in my mind. I'm regularly thinking of what's next. Instead of reveling in the beauty of my life right now, I think of what I will do next, where I will move next, who I might meet next. I enjoy my life, enjoy where I am, but I am usually moving on to the next thing, at the very least, in my mind. Can any of you out there relate?

I left my cozy family home at 18, and have been on the move since then! University years, teaching in England, traveling the world while working on a Cruise Ship for a few years, I never stayed in one place for more than a year or two. I've now lived in Ottawa for 6 1/2 years, which amazes me. But even while my body has stayed in this beautiful city, my mind is regularly planning when and where I'll go to next. I'm a little bit of a gypsy, in my mind at least :) In my jobs and careers, while I take pride and work diligently at whatever I'm doing, my mind is thinking, planning, wondering what will be next, when I'll leave. And, to be honest with you, in relationships, I do find myself thinking, how long will this last? Who will move on first? Is it possible, or even a good thing, to find "forever"? And, (god, I need to do some more therapy, or deep meditation :)), what if I need to run?!

I am aware of these things in me. Loving all parts of me, I learn to embrace these parts with compassion. But it came up in a most interesting way, in my yoga practice the other day.

I was doing my practice in my living room, on my mat, facing my sunny windows with a gorgeous view of the Gatineau Hills. I became aware, as I moved through my asana (physical postures), that I often only hold a pose for 3 or 4 breaths. I thought, let's see if I can hold for 10 breaths. Let's see what happens, energetically and physically. It's fun to play with your practice.

So I moved into Warrior 1, a lovely strong backbend. I focused on my balanced, abdominal breathing, and held. 3 breaths, 4 breaths, 5 breaths. And then something began to stir inside of me. Frustration. Irritation. I began to sweat crazily, and began to feel nauseous. I brought my attention back to my breath, and tried to talk myself through it. "Angie, you're ok. You can hold this. Just stay". It wasn't that I was in pain, that my body couldn't hold the pose. My body felt great. It was completely psychological and emotional! I wanted to move. I wanted to do what was next. I did not want to stay. My breath became rough and ragged, I desperately wanted to get out of the pose, I felt hot and bothered. It was such a crazy visceral reaction, to staying in one place! I breathed through it, held the pose for 10 breaths, and sat quietly, to regain my breath and my centre. What a funny experience! My mind became flooded with all these things I run from, the way I move through life, so quickly, always thinking about what is next.

What a lesson! Again, my asana practice revealed some funny patterns in my life, and in my mind! Man, this yoga is the coolest thing ever. I love all I learn from it. And as I become aware of the way I live, often unconsciously, I can allow those things to come up, and deal with them. With love and compassion.

I still want to run. Still want to move on to whatever is next. But today I am a little more aware than I was before, and that is one of the wonderful things about this yogic path. Because with awareness can come change.

Namaste.

Three Things...

I have just 3 things to teach: simplicity, patience, compassion. These three are your greatest treasures.    
      ~Lao Tzu, Chinese philosopher, 6th century BC

Isn't this a beautiful thing? Just reading those three words makes me sigh deeply and sweetly. Oooh, I love the idea of living through these three concepts. In each moment of my day. On and off my yoga mat.

Imagine, a simpler life. It IS within our grasp, if we truly want it. I can simplify my schedule. I can choose to simplify my social schedule. I can simplify my thought life. I can simplify my yoga practice. Recently, I've gone to a couple of classes where there are complicated, sexy, twisty poses. And to be honest with you, some of them I can't do. And I find myself feeling insecure, and hear my inner talk getting self-critical. Right now my practice is quite simple. The classes I teach are quite simple. I truly believe that simple can bring wonderful, deep experiences of joy and calmness. But when I'm exposed to complicated, twisty, complex poses, and they look like fun, and I can't do them, I decide I must therefore be a failure. Hmmm. Maybe I'll try to bring myself back to being ok with simplicity.

Patience is perhaps my biggest challenge in life :) I want things done NOW. If things aren't the way I think they should be, I want to act, now. I want others to act, now. I go crazy when I have to wait. Whoooo, even writing that, I get all spinny and anxious inside. See, in my mind, I have figured out what my best life will look like. And I figure it should all happen right now, please and thank you very much. (oooh, I've learned to giggle at the thoughts in my mind :)) So one of my lessons in this life, I am quite sure, is to learn to wait. To be patient. Patience till the next bus comes. Patience till the man of my dreams comes :) Patience with others, when they're doing what they want to do, and not what I want them to do. Patience with myself, when I'm not quite all I want to be. On the mat, I tend to get impatient with myself, my body - I get impatient with myself, that I can't go from low plank to upward dog yet. Or I get impatient, when a teacher asks us to hold a pose and I want to move, to change, to act :) Ahhh, patience... such a gift.... I choose to let that grow and develop in me :)

The delightful trait of compassion is a gift you can't miss, when you've had it extended it to you. I hope you can take a moment to remember when someone showed you compassion. Remember it, feel it again. so warm, and lovely, and loving. The first person we all need to show compassion to, is ourselves, I believe. When we stop to listen to the thoughts that race in our minds, they are often very unkind, uncompassionate thoughts toward ourselves. With angry thoughts spewing at ourselves, how can we show compassion to others? It's that old adage, you can't give what you don't have. So take time to challenge those unkind thoughts toward yourself, and have gentle compassion for yourself. You are absolutely doing the best you can with what you have. And then, let that softness and compassion flow to others around you. Compassion for the people in your family. Compassion for the homeless guy you walk past every day. Compassion for the guy in the car that just cut you off. Compassion for the telemarketers who call you on Saturday morning (am I going to far?!?) The truth is, we are all doing the best we can, with what we have. So why not soften toward ourselves and each others? And to bring it back to the mat, show compassion to yourself, as you are in your poses. Compassion to your body. Yesterday I participated in a class, and it was a wonderful class with a wonderful teacher. But I pushed myself, too far in a pose my body wasn't ready for, and now my hip really hurts. That wasn't very kind toward myself. I knew, in the moment, that my body wasn't ready for what I was asking it to do, but I pushed forward, without compassion, and now I'm in pain. Hmmm. Lack of compassion causes pain. To me. To others. Hmmm.

So. Simplicity. Patience. Compassion. These three are the greatest treasures. I think I believe it!

Have a lovely weekend, and I wish you more simplicity, sweet patience, and overflowing compassion for yourself and those around you.

Namaste.